i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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