The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
