I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
