her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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