life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
