is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
