I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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