How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize