Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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