I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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