good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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