That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
