Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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