she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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