I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
