Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone came in the potted fern
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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