I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize