morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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