Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
