I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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