On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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