I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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