Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
