just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
