3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
