No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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