I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This baby is an asshole
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
