you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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