My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
