I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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