I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
