i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
