I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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