I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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