my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
