so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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