I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
