My liver just broke up with me...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
