My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
