Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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