How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
