I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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