I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
