That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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