before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
