clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
