Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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