listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
