dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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