I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
