I accidentally burped into my bong.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
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