Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
