Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
